looking ahead.

so. i've been down a rocky road and a slippery slope and to hell and back. so the question for me is what do I want. my life for the past 10 years has been about we or us and I has gotten lost in the mix. I didnt realize that I had lost I until someone super awesome asked what I wanted and I had no clue.

so what do I want. I want my happily ever after. what does that consist of... not sure yet. i know it does NOT involve my husband who hates me and is in love with another woman. i am physically and emotionally starved because of him.

so i have applied for jobs that i think i will love in places i think i wont hate (CA, AZ, CO, TX). i have to figure out how to make a divorce happen quickly and quietly. i have to find a place to live with a big dog and a cat.

I want to be happy and I want to find out what happy consists of.

whole new can of worms

this isnt going to be a long post but i think you see why.

so over the past year or so i have complaining about my marriage on blogger. my terrible marriage now makes perfect sense. my husband hates me, despises me, and is in love with another woman that wants nothing to do with him. he regrets marrying me and blames me for all of his problems.

everything is clearer than it has been in a long time.

soooo... i need a job and a new home. if you have info on either im open.

past life??? this life???

once again i question why we are all here. there have been many times in my life where i have been in situations where i probably should have died. which has always make me fe that i was here because i was meant to do something great. after yesterday i am sure that is not the case at all.

as i have griped about many times now... i have been in grad school for 5 years and just a few months ago was kicked out of the ph.d. program. that means i have spent 5 years on a masters. this five year masters has involved being awarded 3 prestigous travel grants. one of which had never been won by anyone at the school. i have 8 publications with a couple more on the way. i have presented at international spectroscopy conferences. i passed 4 brutal written qualifying exams. and all of that was not enough for ph.d.

yesterday, a person that has been quoted as saying "i want flames on my car cuz it will make it go faster" and " the farthest over seas i've ever been is canada", was handed a ph.d. (fyi they truly believed both of those quotes)

so apparently i need air between my ears to get a degree not good grades, publications, and funding...

now getting back to the start of this rant... i was not put here to do something great. i was put here to be dumped on for all eternity. what did i do in a past life (or this life) to get where i am today?

now what...

Well as expected the sun did rise the day after I was failed and many days after that but... Now what?

Well I have to write my thesis, defend it well, and quickly get a job. I've been fighting a case of writers block so the writing hasn't gone very far. I have... polished up my resume and posted it on monster, careerbuilder, and usajobs. So If you know anyone who is hiring a chemist who almost has a masters degree I would be able to start in May if finishing my masters thesis wasn't an issue. If it has to be done I want to graduate in August or December 2009. OK. enough shameless promotion/begging.

What have I been doing... I planted tulips to help add some color to my front yard. I've been working hard with Sasha. She's turning 1 at the end of the month. I'm still shocked we survived a year. I've spent about two weeks sick but I lost about 15 lbs along the way. So now I have to keep it off. I got my top braces on about a month ago and the bottom ones are coming soon. I have not been knitting much. I did take Erin's scarf out of time out and put a bit of work in to that. I have also dragged out my sweater and picked the grass out of... the dog dragged it outside... it wasn't pretty.

That's about all the energy I have for this hour a.m. Thank you to my true friends! You have been great.

they failed me...

ok. so the oral 6010 re-do has come and gone.

they failed me.

which is totally different from i failed. i am the first to admit when i failed. I failed a lot of undergrad classes.

the request after mine and my bosses failure was that i do a short presentation and answer questions... no more paper. so that is what i prepared for.

i had a great presentation ready and was ready for questions about it. my boss, my group, and myself worked our butts off for this one. we prepped for weeks hours at a time to no avail. the committee brought up the paper and grilled me about the paper. one of the member was shaking their head no from the second sentence. i did way better on this one and was prepared for what they requested of me. so now after 5 years (2 of them wasted by the division), $100k in student loans, way more classes than i could ever need... I am a masters student.

now the reason why... was i really not good enough? did they want to hold me around a few more years b/c im a great TA? (that is something they would do) who's cornflakes did i pee in and not know it? what ever the case maybe. they failed me.

one word

IT'S HARDER THAN YOU THINK!!!

1. Where is your cell phone? table
2. Your significant other? here
3. Your hair? brunette
4. Your mother? sweet
5. Your father? strong
6. Your favorite thing? sleep
7. Your dream last night? spicy
8. Your favorite drink? shiner
9. Your dream/goal? chemist
10. The room? blue
11. Your fear? failure
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? happy
13. Where were you last night? home
14. What you're not? circuitous
15. Muffin? blueberry
16. One of your wish list items? fence
17. Where you grew up? syracuse
18. The last thing you did? homework19. What are you wearing? PJs
20. Your TV on? Yes
21. Your pet? Tiger
22. Your computer? On
23. Your life? challenging
24. Your mood? concerned
25. Missing someone? parents
26. Your car? trailblazer
27. Something you're not wearing? watch
28. Favorite Store? amazon
29. Your favorite color? orange
31. When is the last time you laughed? yesterday
32. Last time you cried? fortnight
33. Who will/would re-post this? jennifer
34. Four places I go over and over? Work, home, target, training
35. Four people who e-mail me (Regularly) mom, dad, journals, facebook
36. Four of my favorite foods? pizza, beer, olives, pasta
37. Four places I would rather be right now? bar, bed, park, fresno
38. Four people I think will respond: erin, nisa, smitty, jennifer

What you're supposed to do:
copy and paste into your blog, delete my answers, type in your answers

the dog days of summer

OK. so its been a long time since my last post. we'll just say I've had another run of horrible luck. the quick version is that i've been stretched to my limits, snapped and fell apart.

family drama has hit an all time high. my grandma passed away a week or so ago and most of her children were there for the end. i did not go due to school and medical obligations. i heard the end wasn't pretty as it usually isn't. i feel horrible about the whole situation. i just wish there was something that could have been done to make her happy and that things didn't hit so close to home.

so I've been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder aka GAD. no big surprise there with my luck. my anxiety attacks have been SEVERE so that meant nuclear cardiac stress test. I've had a lot of pain in my left arm so there was the MRI to go with that. then blood work showed another round of hypothyroid and its glory. so I'm working getting things back on track health wise. no easy task while in grad school.

the tree issue came back to bite me in the butt. so the garbage men pulled down a major chunk of a Bradford pear tree. then the city decided my tree is a hazard so they cited me for some b.s. rule that there was not 8 feet of clearance between the limbs and the side walk. it was only me that got it so I'm guessing it was an ugly tree citation. so i have until Sept 2 to get it fixed which i have done to the tune of a pretty penny. THEN i discovered the whole yard needed love so we did that today. so the front of my house now looks great with the exception of my fence.

so the fence... middle of this week my neighbors Bradford pear tree fell and took out the fence between our properties and the fence along the back of my lot. (see photo) so i need a new fence. economic times being as they are we are all strapped for cash and neither of us can afford to pay to fix it. i have two estimates sitting on my table to the tune of 5k. i think its extortion myself but I'm still looking. i had my a/c checked this year and its on its last legs and its going to cost just about as much as my fence to replace it! that further supports the highway robbery theory when it comes to the fence price. all that can be chalked up to the joys of being a home owner.

so the update on the new puppy. (see other photo) she is now 5 months old and weighs about 30 lbs. i have no idea how big she is going to get but its going to be bad. training is going slowly since she is just a puppy and cant pay attention for more than 15 minutes. I'm hoping things get better as she gets older. all we can do is love her and be consistent with her.

as the dog days of summer are upon us it makes me long for the fall. the changing of leaves that i don't get to see, Halloween, pumpkins, apple cider, warm sweaters, crisp autumn air! that's what keeps me going!